Are You a Fault Finder?

Are you the kind of person that can spot a fault in something or someone from a mile away in a blizzard?  There are plenty of people that think this ability is an attribute.  We can’t be fooled by a smile or a kind word.  No sir, we know what is behind that pretend niceness!  We know what you are really thinking.

While I was thinking about this I was reminded of a story I once heard about a young man that had found the perfect woman to take to wife.  I don’t remember the story exactly as it was told or who told it so I will retell it in my fashion with apologies to the originator for any deviation from the original.

"The Birthmark" Painted by Samantha Swift

A young man had the occasion to meet a beautiful young woman who he fell in love with at first glance.  She was beautiful beyond his wildest dreams.  Her hair, her eyes even the shape of her face brought a quickened beat to his heart.

Shortly thereafter he asked for her hand in marriage.  When she accepted his heart was filled with joy.  One week to the day later they were married in the little chapel down the lane.

When she raised her vale standing at the altar for their first kiss as man and wife the young man saw something that he hadn’t noticed before.  There on her right cheek was a small birthmark in the shape of a heart.  It was so tiny that it had gone without notice before just that moment.

As time passed with each morning sunrise the young man would gaze at his wife lying there sleeping beside him.  He would look at her face and think what an angel he had married.  She was perfect except for that one little mark. 

The days turned into weeks and weeks into months and then it happened.  One morning as he gazed upon his wife’s face he noticed that the mark had doubled in size.  Then with each successive morning it continued to grow.  Then on one morning he awoke to find that it covered her entire right cheek.

This was more than he could stand so quietly he packed his meager belongings and left leaving only a short note.  It read; I can no longer stand to look upon your face.

When his young wife awoke she found the note and after reading it she sat in front of her mirror crying.  She looked at her reflection in the mirror and wondered what had happened to make her husband feel that way.  She wondered what had changed.

She wiped away her tears and tried to get ready to face the day.  She put a small dab of makeup on the tiny birthmark on her right cheek and she again wondered what had changed.

How many times in your life has a fault that you see in someone or something become the focus of all of your attention?  How often has a tiny fault grown to enormous proportion while you watched?  It is a real easy trap to fall into.  People everywhere do it all the time.  How about you?

There is another factor at work here that you may not be aware of.  I once was told that police officers involved in a high speed chases begin to have tunnel vision.  They become so focused on the car that they are chasing that they lose track of everything else around them.  The results can be tragic.  You may see the connection here.  When we become so focused on someone’s faults we not only lose track of what good that person has but we just might miss the good in others as well.

When it comes to fault finding most of us are nearsighted or maybe farsighted I can never quite figure out which is which!  Well, I looked it up (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperopia) and farsighted is what I mean.  We can be pretty good in finding faults in others but we somehow don’t catch sight of the ones that we have, the biggest of which might just be the fault finding itself.

There are several people in our lives that finding fault can become a real problem.  One would be your employer.  If you find fault enough times with that guy or gal you might be looking for a new job.  Getting hit in the pocket book usually gets our attention.  There are still others that I will get to later that can have a much greater effect on our lives should we go fault finding with them.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when finding fault can be a good thing!  Pilots check their planes for faults before they take off.  That kind of fault finding saves lives.  Introspective fault finding can be effective in helping you improve as a human being and I am guessing that would be a good thing too.  Of course in this case we need to be sure what we are looking at within ourselves is really a fault! 

I know some people that think being kind is a fault.  The same goes for generosity or believing in God.  There are a whole host of things that some people might think are faults that actually are virtues.    I guess that is where it gets confusing.

I’m sure that you have had the term “constructive criticism” thrown at you at one time or another.  The same guy that thought that one up told everyone that the Hindenburg was the future of aviation.  I ask you, do you know anyone who really likes a critic?  I know for sure that I don’t.

I have a friend who told me that he always says no when his wife asked him to do things around the house.  I was surprised because I always try to do what my wife asks me to do.  I thought that was just what a husband did.  He informed me that when he does do things around the house his wife will criticize how he did what ever it was he did forever but if he just says “No” the complaint time was way shorter.  That sort of makes sense, I think.

I don’t think that his plan worked very well.  They are no longer married to each other.  Perhaps on the next go around they will both learn how to treat their new spouse. 

On the helping out around the house deal, I had another friend that told me he got out of doing the dishes by doing a really lousy job at it.  His wife got to the point that she wouldn’t let him near the sink if there were dishes in it.  I guess that he didn’t mind the criticism as long as he got out of doing the dishes.  Hey, I guess that could be called constructive criticism!!

You have probably guessed by now that I believe the one place that fault finding really doesn’t belong is in a marriage.  On top of that I wish that I could say that I have the answer to exactly how you accomplish that little deal and since I haven’t figured out exactly how to eliminate it completely myself I can’t say that I am an expert.  But then, being an expert doesn’t make you right.

There was a young wife that heard from some expert that she should have an honest talk with her husband.  She should let him know all of the things about him that she didn’t like and he could do the same.  Then, according to the expert, they could make changes so they could improve their relationship.  I think the expert called it “good communication”.

So that was what she did.  She made a list of all the little things that he did that annoyed her.  It was just a bunch of little things that bugged her.  She sat down with her husband and went through the list.  He sat there and listened.  When she was all through she asked him what about her would he like to see changed.

He replied, “nothing, you are just perfect the way you are”.  It took a long time for her to stop feeling bad about what she had done to her husband.  She suddenly realized that all of those little things that bugged her weren’t very important after all and the expert’s advise in this case was not so expert.

The real trouble with finding fault is that we can be wrong as many times as we are right.  Take a few minutes to have a look at fault finding gone wrong.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbFiB7oiQs4&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0&index=2&feature=plpp_video)

So exactly what do we do if we are a fault finder?  I guess it is sort of like when we are over weight.  We stop eating so much (stop finding fault) and do some exercise.  Anyone who is over weight knows how easy that advise is to follow.  It is the same with fault finding with the exception that you can’t look in the mirror and tell if you are a fault finder.

Here is a news flash, even if you aren’t a fault finder you may find more happiness in your marriage if you just practice some anti fault finding techniques just in case.  Here are just a few, you may think of even more.

1.     Don’t criticize your spouse for those little unimportant things that just bug you.  And if the big things won't kill you ignore them too!!

2.     Look for something good each day that your spouse does and tell them about it.

3.     Never part company without telling your spouse that you love them and a kiss would be great. 

4.     Don’t hang up the phone with out telling them you love them.

5.     Do one thing every day for your spouse.  Even if it’s just taking out the trash.

Five is enough for now, but I’m sure that you have gotten the idea.  Just on a side note, one time I was in the store in line to check out.  My wife called to ask me something or other and when we were done talking I said “Love you” and hung up the phone.  The woman behind me said “Gee, that was so sweet.  I wish my husband did that”.  Maybe he is reading this blog.

I know two guys that from my perspective have learned how to not be a fault finder.  One’s name is Eric and the other one is Joe.  I would like to tell you a little about the two of them.

Eric is a soft spoken fellow about my age.  When I asked him what he thought was a way of not find fault he told me a story.  It was about a couple who were on vacation. 

They arrived at a hotel that overlooked the water.  When they entered the room that they were going to stay in the husband looked at the wall of windows and the ocean beyond.  The breeze was blowing the curtains and the view was spectacular.  To the husband it looked like something out of a movie.  As he put the bags down he was carrying he heard his wife say “We aren’t staying here”.

The first thing that came to his mind was that his wife was going to ruin their vacation.  But instead of saying the first thing that he thought of he did something he had trained himself to do instead.  He asked his wife one simple question in a loving manner.  “What’s wrong?”

She told him what it was that she saw when she came into the room.  There was a big stain on the carpet, the place was filthy and the previous guests had left some things behind.

Eric then told me that everyone comes at life from a different perspective and that one way not to find fault is not to jump to a conclusion about what they do.  You need to try to understand what they see that you don’t.

Now it’s Joe’s turn.  I’ve known Joe for a very long time.  I have seen him in action with his wife and his kids.  I have never seen him get angry.  I have never heard him raise his voice.  His wife tells me that he doesn’t get angry.  All in all if he has ever found fault in anyone he has kept it to himself.

If I didn’t know better I would think he was on some sort of medication that most of us could use.  If he could bottle it he would make a fortune.  So what can we take away from Joe?  I think it starts with self control and ends with a happier life.  I also know that if Joe’s children grow up to be like their dad the world will be that much a better place.

So to all of us fault finders out there, when we find a fault in someone we need to look for an attribute to cancel it out and remember to keep our mouths shut until we find something nice to say!  Bite your tongue if need be.  I might need stitches before my training period is done!

And remember this, you and your fault finding will never change the person in who you are finding fault.  The end result will be how they see you and you may not like the faults they see in you.

So, until the next time, keep smiling (it confuses the fault finders) and if you want to find fault, learn how to fly an airplane.

Who is Looking Out for the Kids?

Who’s looking out for the Kids?

Just who’s looking out for the kids?  I think that is a fair and important question.  The answer should concern all of us because as has been said by many, the children are indeed the future.

One thing that I have always known about kids is that they are much more fun than grownups.  By their very nature they just want to have fun.  When they laugh, they really laugh and when they cry, you know that there is something wrong.  After all they haven’t yet learned how to hide how they feel about things and the art of lying believably has not yet been developed.  I wonder just where they learn how to do that?

I think that I get along so well with kids because they think that I am one of them and they are right.  At nearly sixty five I might be the oldest kid in my neighborhood or the town for that matter and I feel good about that.

I have been an assistant cub master for the Cub Scout pack at our church for a couple of years and before that I taught primary at my church.  Primary is the class for the kids.  The one thing that I have always been certain of is that if you have a job that involves kids you have a responsibility that no one working with adults has and that is the truth.

I have noticed the tendency of people now a days to shirk their responsibilities.   That’s not what my mother taught me!!  It may just be that you know what I am talking about or you might wonder what that has to do with kids.

I looked up the word shirk.  I just wanted to be sure it meant what I thought it did.  (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shirk)  Whenever I do that I discover things I didn’t know like “shirk” is an intransitive verb or it can be a transitive verb, whatever they are!  I probably shouldn’t have slept through English class.  Of course I slept through history class too but I got an A in that one.  Perhaps even “sleep learning” can be selective!

Getting back to the kids, kids ask questions.  I read somewhere that preschool kids ask their parents about one hundred questions a day.  When we grow into teenagers the question asking has slowed to a trickle and in some cases it stops altogether.  That is with the exception of the “Can I borrow the car?” question that shows up around their 16th birthday.

I am sure that one of the biggest reasons they ask so many questions is curiosity.  They want to learn.  They want to figure out the world around them.  They are building who they will be when the questions go down to that trickle I mentioned.  That is why if you have something to do with kids you had better be on your toes because they are always watching you and even before they can put together a sentence they have that question thing going on.

With all of the crazy things going on in the world the question just who is looking out for the kids has become more important than ever.  The problem is that there a bunch of people that claim to be looking out for the kids who really aren’t.  It may be intentional or just stupidity it’s hard sometimes to tell the difference and sometimes there isn’t a difference.  I have no respect for those people who do that.

What I would like to do here is tell you about three people that I know are looking out for the kids.  One is a Teacher, one is a Doctor and third is a special type of Performer.  Each of these three individuals are really special people with a special responsibility that they do not “Shirk”.

The Teacher:

His name is Mark.  He teaches at an elementary school.  Even though I have known Mark for many years there were things I didn’t know.  When I asked him why he decided to become a teacher I discovered that he is a fourth generation school teacher.

Mark really likes kids and I know that they really like him.  I once saw a note written by one of his students when he was leaving one school to eventually work at another.  Kids don’t write notes to bad teachers or ones they don’t like. 

When he sees a kid he sees the potential that the child has hidden inside where someone else might not bother to look.  Maybe you remember a teacher or two like Mark that made a lasting impression on you.  I know without a doubt that he is making impressions on your kids if they are fortunate enough to be in his class.

Each morning when Mark gets dressed to go to work he doesn’t figure that he is going to go out and change the world.  Perhaps once and a while he might dream of doing that but he knows like any good teacher that the impact on the world that he will have is measured by how he helps those in his charge to eventually face the world and make the right decisions.

That is an awesome responsibility, but teachers like Mark are up for it.  Mark told me that when he walks into that classroom “It’s on” and from that point the words he uses, his body language and even his facial expressions need to be all directed to help the kids learn not only the lesson being taught but the lesson about what kind of person they want to be.  Anger whether expressed in word or deed has no place in that room.

While I talked to Mark about his job I discovered something else.  Mark was brought up by great parents.  It reminds me of my own feelings about my parents.  It also reminds me that the greatest teachers of all should be our parents.  Sadly today that is not as true as it was when I was a kid.

In fact the percentage of children born out of wedlock is staggering.  Before I started this article I never would have guessed that 40.8% of births in the US are to unmarried women (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/unmarry.htm).  As far as I can see those kids have a disadvantage right out of the starting gate.  I might start an argument there but then I care about the kids not the PC police.

One last thing about Mark, although I am not technically a kid he has taught me a lesson or two as well.  One time when I was working on something in his bathroom his son who is the same age as my granddaughter came to me with a can of soda.  He asked me if I could open it for him.  I said “sure” and did just that. 

A few minutes later I heard Mark ask his son where he got the soda.  Then he asked the question that taught me a lesson.  “Who opened it for you?”  His boy, being taught successfully to tell the truth said, “Tage”.  That’s when I learned that sugar before bed for a kid may not be good.  I also heard in his voice the love and patience he has for his children.  We should all be as fortunate to have a dad like that.

The Doctor:

His name is Fred Santoro but the kids just call him “Doctor Fred”.  Doctor Fred is a pediatrician.  I’ve seen Dr. Fred work close up.  I’ve watched him with my grandchildren.  You can tell a lot about a person by watching and listening if you ever take the time to do that.  If you can’t tell that Doctor Fred cares about the kids he takes care of you can’t tell white from green.

There are very few people in this world that actually figure out what they want to be before they get out of High School.  There are even fewer that actually become what they want to be.  They are a special breed.  That’s Doctor Fred.

While still in High School he wanted to be a pediatrician.  Even though while in medical school he saw many different medical specialties he still zeroed in on pediatrics.  Was it money or the quest for fame that was his inspiration?  Not a chance. 

Doctor Fred had something growing up that we all really need.  He had two “very loving” parents.  There were also four other kids running around that house with Fred sharing those loving parents.  In that home was laid the foundation that would someday become Doctor Fred.

Doctor Fred said that he enjoys watching the little ones in his care develop into young adults.  I suspect that there is something else going on here as well.  I suspect that he has an inborn desire to make a difference in the children’s lives that goes way beyond the medical side of the equation.

He remembers what it was like to be a kid.  He remembers what he feared about going to the doctor.  He also remembers what he enjoyed about those visits to the doctor.  He hasn’t simply filed those memories away.  He uses them to relate to the kids and their parents.  It works!

I know it works because my grandchildren look forward to their visits with Doctor Fred.  They know that he is there to help them and I know that my daughter trusts Doctor Fred.  My daughter is a very good judge of character.

One point that Doctor Fred made to me was that children’s welfare is dependent on adults and it follows that pediatricians have a great responsibility to look out for them and their families.  Parents and children put a lot of trust in their pediatricians.  For a guy like Doctor Fred that means that he puts the kids needs ahead of his own.  In his words, “It is a sacred trust.”

Doctor Fred takes joy from watching the kids grow and develop into self sufficient adults.  There is a reward here that goes beyond that money or fame thing.  It goes to the core of what makes us human.  It is the fulfillment of being able to help kids and their families during times of illness or stress.  In his words, “It is great to make a positive difference”.

What is the downside?  Well Doctor Fred doesn’t much like the paperwork or the time needed to get authorization for appropriate medications or the tests needed for the kids. 

The last thing I would like to say here is that if you need to put your trust in someone to be looking out for the kids, Doctor Fred is a safe bet!

The Performer:

His name is Steve.  I had a look at his website (www.steveelciandfriends.com).  That is when I learned a couple of more things that I didn’t know.  The first thing that I discovered was that Steve Elci writes the songs and music he and his friends perform.  Looking at the picture on his website I realized something else.  I discovered that one of his “Friends” is the daughter of a couple that we have been friends with for many years!

I wanted to know why he chose helping kids as a career.  I loved his answer.  He told me that he chose helping kids after the birth of his children.   His love for his own children inspires him to write songs that will have a positive impact on the kids that listen to them.  I am thinking that Steve is also a great and loving parent.  Are you sensing an pattern here?

It gets even better.  He has a test for the music that he writes.  He asks himself if it is a song that he would want his kids to hear and that isn’t all there is to it.  He also wants the songs he writes to help the world in which the kids live.  To use his words, “It’s a career in helping kids and families through music.  It’s what I am meant to do”.

I also wanted to know what kind of impact he was trying to have with the kids.  You might think that he already answered that question and in a way he partially did.  Only the goal you have may not always match the reason you started something.   Again, Steve doesn’t let the kids down.

Steve’s goal is to use a medium that has been successful for thousands of years in inspiring people.  Music and song!  He has a goal when he gets going on a song.  He wants the lyrics and the melodies to be catchy enough to make the kids and the parents sing and listen to the song over and over again so that the positive message in that song sinks in.  I would stress the word positive!  Any good teacher or parent knows that repetition is a great way to teach a child.  Sometimes even the grownups can get the message.  And in Steve’s own words “positive messages can reach far and wide”.

The last question I had for Steve was if he felt a special responsibility dealing with kids.  Here is what he said.

“The talent that was given to me (writing children's songs) I take very seriously.  I feel it is my responsibility to use this talent to better our children and future through music.  This talent was designed for children but not limited to them as I make conscious decisions to design my songs for parents to enjoy as well.  Families singing my music and enjoying time together inspires me to write more songs.  It's a wonderful feeling.”

I have no doubt that Steve Elci and Friends are looking out for the kids!! 

If you take anything away from this I hope it is that looking out for the kids is something that we all should do.  Kids need good loving parents.  They need a safe place to grow into adults.   They need good examples in the adults they encounter.  Does anyone today even know what that means?  Are you looking out for the kids?  I hope so!

Until next time, love your kids and watch over them, they are the greatest treasure you will ever have.

You Can't Fix Stupid

A long time ago when I was working for Dow Biopharmaceuticals a coworker, Pam Bennit, told me that you couldn’t fix stupid.  Being a fix it kind of guy I wasn’t sure I agreed with her analysis only lately I’m leaning more toward her being correct at least a good part of the time.

I suppose that since we just passed through the political season the concept of “Stupidity” is more obvious than usual.  As if it wasn’t already too prevalent!  I looked up stupid to see if my understanding of the word actually coincides with reality.  I especially liked the comment in one of the definitions that “stupid” is in the eye of the beholder.  That gives us all some room to be stupid.

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how smart you are you can still be stupid.  Take the gal who designed the toilets used in the Westerly Hospital.  I’m sure that she is quite smart.  I say gal because a guy would have realized that the distance from where your bottom rests to the water level would be insufficient for the male anatomy.

I refrained from writing during the crazy time running up to the election because I have some very strong opinions and I didn’t want to drive away readers with my political views.  I like to write about things that just might help the reader have a happier life no matter which side of the isle you sit on.

There are some times when you do need to hold your tongue.  Then there are other time when holding your tongue only gets you a sore tongue.  I don’t need a sore tongue this week. 

There are some things that you just have to comment on and let what ever is going to happen, happen.  After the horrific event in Newtown for me being stupid took on a very different face.  When your stupidity results in part of your body getting wet when you sit on a toilet there is nothing lost, but when being stupid has an end result of someone loosing their life it is a whole different matter.  I will get into that a bit later, for now here are some of the less tragic stupidity out there.

In September of last year New York City banned soft drinks of larger than 16 oz. at restaurants mobile food carts, sports arenas and movie theaters.  Presumably you can still buy two 16 oz. drinks only you won’t have a free hand to hold the candy bar that they will probably ban next.  If that isn’t stupid enough the gal who wrote the article that I read called it a “bold experiment in the anti-obesity campaign”.  It gets even better. 

She claimed that it is widely supported by health professionals.  I don’t know who those professionals are but their middle name is Stupid.  (Note the use of a capital S)  If they think that limiting the size of the drink is going to accomplish anything (other than costing the guy or gal that will now buy two drinks instead of one more money) they are, well, Stupid.  As always, the winner here is the taxman and possibly the people who make the cups.

There is good news in all of this.  You can still buy alcoholic beverages in the larger size because they are exempt.  Happy days are here again.  Instead of being poisoned by that nasty sugar you can get smashed with a thirty two ounce glass of beer or wine or, hey this is stupid.  Wait just a minute, is having a beer belly considered obese?  I guess since beer is exempt the beer belly must be okay.  Maybe we should ask those health professionals about it.  Nah, they are probably too busy figuring out what to ban from the school lunch programs.

Just a little side note on this obesity thing when I went to visit my doctor he told me that by the new standards that they have set I am now considered obese.  I have no idea exactly who they are but they certainly seem to get around.  The deal here is that I actually lost ten pounds from the last time I went to see him.  That was when I wasn’t obese.  I’m confused.  Someone is stupid here and I’m not sure just who it is.

Here is the problem and perhaps you would agree.  People’s weight is not something the government should be trying control.  The United States is supposed to be the land of the free.  That is what I fought for when I put on the uniform (Army and Navy).  If your snap answer is that it is a public health issue, I would remind you that the label “a public health issue” can apply to just about everything you do every day and the rule makers know that.  Watch out you sun bathers; they are coming after you next.  Ever hear of skin cancer?

When I googled stupid I discovered a list of thirty stupid things that the government spends our money on.  How about three million bucks to research video games.  I wonder if I can get in on that.  I play video games!!  I can do the research for half price!!  Oh wait, I don’t have a master’s degree in doing studies, never mind.  Here is another one, sixteen to twenty million to help Indonesians get masters degrees.  I could use one of those!  Then I could do the video game thing.  Never mind, I can’t afford to move to Indonesia.  There are twenty-eight more, you should check them out. 

You run into stupid just about everywhere you go.  Many years ago when I owned a contracting business I went to a local hardware store to get something.  I asked the guy who was one of the owners if they gave contractor discounts.  He said no they didn’t.  Then came the stupid part, he asked, “Why would you want a discount?”  I didn’t have an answer for him.  It was my turn to be stupid.

Now for the serious part of the discussion, since the horrible events Newtown people in high places have been displaying stupidity at an alarming rate.  What happened in that school is more than a tragedy.  For me, the most terrible part is that had people who make the decisions done things differently perhaps most of it could have been prevented and I’ll tell you why.

I recently watched a video of a ten-minute standoff between an armed resource officer and an armed individual who was later shot dead by the police.  That school resource officer protected the kids in that school and saved lives that would have otherwise been taken.  Whoever it was who decided to have an armed individual in that school saved lives.  If I were responsible for keeping armed guards out of the Connecticut schools I would not be sleeping well right now or for that matter, ever again.  To not have provided some kind of protection for the kids was Stupid and the kids paid the ultimate price for that stupidity. 

So, just a note to all those who make the decisions about such matters; if you oppose armed guards of some type in our schools and you are successful in keeping them out remember this; if another event like Newtown takes place you will have to live with that.  In addition, I hope you never get a decent nights sleep again here or in the place you go to when you leave this earth.

When I was in the Navy I was a security guard for the missile house and I had to qualify each year with my model 1911 Colt .45.  I hit what I shoot at and I have NO doubt at all that had I (or someone like myself) been in the office at Newtown with my sidearm that lunatic would not have gotten past the front entrance.

There was another article written by someone named Alma Rutgers stating that if we do put armed guards in schools the “Newtown gunman wins and the children lose”.  Here is a news flash for Alma; the gunman has already won.  He did everything he set out to do.  The children will lose only if we do not take the correct steps to protect them.  Anything else would be just plain stupid.

There is a sign on a restaurant that says “No Firearms Allowed”.  I won’t eat there because the management just might be Stupid.  If someone comes in and decides to shoot a few people one thing is guaranteed, no one will be there who will shoot back to stop him.  Please note that the Buffalo Wild Wings located at the Crystal Mall does not have that sign posted.   I checked.

I heard one politician say that if everyone were allowed to carry guns it would end up in a “Dodge City Mentality” with shootouts a common occurrence.  I assume that he was speaking of the old west Dodge City.  The problem here is that you were safer walking the streets back in the old west Dodge City with a six gun strapped to your hip than you are in present day Chicago.  Stupid is in here somewhere and it won’t be hard to find.

I have one more thing to say about this gun debate.  Each year hammers and clubs than kill more people than rifles and to confuse the issue even more nearly twice as many people are killed by hands and fists each year than by murderers who use rifles.  Banning assault rifles, which by the way you can’t get anyway, won’t fix this problem.  We should ban hammers and clubs!!  Okay, what do we do about the hands?  I know, everyone will be required to have handcuffs on when they leave the house!  Boy, this is really stupid.  On top of that anywhere from 800,000 to 2.5 million criminal acts are stopped by private citizens with guns every year.   Ban all guns and, oh well, you figure it out. 

One more thing before I close, back in the old west there were not many horse thieves.  That was because they use to hang them.  You figure out what I mean by that.

Until next time, protect and keep watch over your family because it appears that no one else will.  And if you think all of this is just stupid, it’s okay because after all, “Stupid is in the eye of the beholder”.

Please note that I am donating 50% of the royalties from my novel to "Soldier On".  They provide housing for homeless veterans.  Please help me help those who have given so much to provide the freedom we all enjoy.

My Website: http://tagewright.blogspot.com/

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A Hero Died On Sunday (Originally posted on January 30th, 2013)

A hero died on Sunday.  He was to be ninety one next month.  I spoke to him on the phone for the last time on Saturday.  He couldn’t talk much or for very long because every time he said a few words he would have a fit of coughing.  I told him about my day and what I was doing and when I hung up the phone I said what I always say to him and then we said good bye.  I did not know that it would be for the last time.

He was certainly a hero.  He wasn’t a military hero.  During WWII he couldn’t get into the service because of a bad arm.  He had been a breached birth and when he was pulled into this world it was by his arm and as a result his arm was damaged.  It was always what he called his bad arm.  He wasn’t a famous sports hero or a famous actor.  He never struck it rich or invented a better mousetrap.  He didn’t win the Indianapolis 500 or go into space.  I guess that to most folks he was just Fred.

Fred had a scar on his right cheek.  He got it from the handlebars of his bicycle when he was a kid.  Like most scars it became less noticeable the older he got.  You had to look really hard to see it but you didn’t have to look very hard to see the character of the man behind that scar.  You would, however, have to look long and hard for someone that didn’t like Fred. 

Fred was a little shy on the education side of things.  He never went any further than elementary school.  Even so he had learned how to figure.  While he was still a boy by today’s standards his father charged him board to live at home.  I remember him telling me about when he got a raise at the job he worked his father raised his board so that the raise was gone.  It wasn’t long after that Fred took a room at a boarding house in town.

Fred worked a lot of places including doing some cooking out at Sea Side when it use to take care of people with TB.  While he worked there he met a gal named Sophie and they fell in love and were married.  They had a daughter that they named Jean.  When she was a little girl she was struck by a sled and suffered a ruptured spleen.  She might have died except for the efforts of a surgeon named Tage Nielsen. 

Fred couldn’t pay Doctor Nielsen his fee because he didn’t have the money so the good doctor told him to pay what he could when he could.  So that is what Fred did.  Then one day when Fred brought him a small payment Doctor Nielsen took the bill with a balance still owed on it and wrote across it, paid in full, and handed it back to Fred. Doctor Nielsen was a hero too.

I first met Fred on August seventh in 1948.  From then until now he was and has been my hero.  To everyone else he was just Fred, to me he was dad, and wouldn’t you know he and my mother named me Tage Nielsen Wright.  It is a name that I am very proud to bear.

Everyone has a father, but not everyone has a dad, and not every dad is a hero.  Mine was and is just that, a hero.  He taught me more about life than any book I have ever read or any teacher I have ever known.  He was a good, honest man that said what he meant and meant what he said.

He taught me how to ride a bike and how to water ski.  He taught me to be tough when I needed to be and how to put that toughness aside when need be.  He taught me how to shoot a gun and how take care of a family.  He taught me to be honest and most of all he taught me what it meant to be a dad.  He did all this and more.

Before he retired from Pfizer (I worked there as well) and moved to Florida I spent every day at lunch sitting with him in the paint shop having soup and talking.  When he retired I missed those talks and when he moved to Florida I missed having him near by.

For many year now I have called him every day and I would never hang up with out telling my hero that I loved him.  I will ask God each night when my wonderful wife and I say our prayers together to tell Fred that we love him and miss him.  There is a peace that I have in this loss that I feel because I know that now my hero is standing with my heroine Sophie watching over their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I would like to take just a minute to thank someone else that I am certain in my father’s eyes and mine as well has reached hero status.  His name is Charles Frederic Wright and he was a surprise gift to Fred and Sophie two and a half years after I showed up.  He has along with his wife Megan labored taking care of our dad when neither myself or our sister could.

If you take anything away from this story, take this, anyone can father a child.  It takes a man to be a dad and a special man to be a hero.  If you are falling short in this take my advice and figure out how to be a hero.  Or when you are gone the only one that will miss you will be the tax man.

In the memory of Frederic S. Wright, a man, a dad and a hero

Understanding

           It seems like a very simple word.  Perhaps as a word it is simple, but as a principle it is anything but simple.  It is in many cases the key to, well, just about everything from our relationships with others to our relationship with ourselves.
          A long time ago when the eight track was the best sound you could get in a car I listened to the Moody Blues while cruising along in my 1965 Dodge Dart GT.  There was one song, I don’t remember the title, but in it was a line that went something like this, “Whenever I felt fear or knew pain I was not understanding”.  I think anger was in there somewhere as well, but since I can’t locate the exact song I can’t be sure.  That line made a forever impression on me.
          We go through this thing we call life, listening (well sometimes) looking around and talking.  How often do we really understand what our senses take in?  And just as importantly, how well do those we have contact with understand what we really mean when we do all that talking?

Movie tips:

          In the movie “P.S. I love you” (http://www.moviefone.com/movie/p.s.-i-love-you/26303/main?flv=1) there is a line that really struck a chord with me.  In a scene in the beginning of the movie the soon to be deceased husband is arguing with his soon to be widowed wife.  He asks her if they are arguing about what he said or what she thinks he said.
          When I heard that I wanted to jump up and shout “Yes” because I suddenly had an epiphany (what ever that is).  I am convinced that most people especially husbands and wives spend a good part of their time arguing about what they think the other person means without really knowing … well, you get the idea.

Just what is it you want?

          In thinking about all of this I was reminded of the story I once heard about a Mom whose young son Jimmy came running in from playing with his friend down the street and asked, “Where did I come from?”
          The Mom knew that this day would come so she had planned way ahead.  She prided herself on how well she planned ahead for life’s little hurdles.  Even though this was much sooner than she had expected she was ready.  She sat the boy down at the kitchen table and began to explain all about the birds and the bees and how little Jimmy had managed to show up at their house.  She thought it went very well.  Little Jimmy sat there listening to his mother without even asking one question.  It took seventeen minutes.  It must have been the short version.  I got the long version from my mother, it took almost an hour and to make matters worse, my older sister was listening in.
          When she was all done she smiled at her son and asked him if he had any questions.  He said yes, just one.  He was wondering where he came from because his friend Tom down the street said that he was from New Jersey.

Just who is your audience?

          The one person in the world that needs to understand what you mean when you speak is your spouse.  They should be number one on your list.  They are your most important audience.  If they are not number one, then your priorities are in need of repair.  In some cases a complete overhaul might be in order.
          Just consider this, remember those signs right before that construction site that read, “Fines Doubled”?  Well, when your spouse misunderstands you those fines are tripled.  They are not strangers that you can just walk away from.  You are tied to them with a bond that is more important than any other attachment you have with anyone else.
          Be forewarned, you may find yourself explaining your explanation of your explanation of what you really meant when you first said what it was that you said that they didn’t understand in the first place.  Confused yet?  Just wait it gets better!
          I didn’t say that this would be easy.  In fact it can be down right challenging and that is the easy part.  It not only takes two to tango, it takes two to foster good understanding.  You have to work together.  You need to give this a thought, you can’t expect to be understood if you refuse to make the effort to understand your spouse or anyone else for that mater.

You two have an advantage!!

          You do have an advantage with your spouse that you don’t have with anyone else.  You can both sit down together and make the commitment to work on better understanding (some people would call this communication).  Caution, if you try this with a coworker there might be a problem.

Set some ground rules!

          You might want to set some ground rules to help you along.  These would be things that neither one of you would violate.  It might be good to write them down.  With my memory it would certainly be a good idea.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, ground rules:

1. Be honest, don’t lie about what you meant when you said what it was you said, after all if you didn’t want it understood you shouldn’t have said in the first place
2. Avoid getting angry
3. No shouting
4. Be humble enough to know when you are getting off track and get back on!!!

          You don’t need to use these particular rules, they are only suggestions, you can make up your own.  Your situation is different from everyone else’s.  If you can improve the understanding between yourself and your spouse you are on the way to a happier life.
          As for all of the others that you are in contact with, learn how to say what you mean and as they say, mean what you say.  And your ears are made for hearing but your brain was made for listening.  Just try to have them both in gear at the same time.
          Trying to understand and be understood is something that takes commitment.  If commitment isn’t something that you are big on, sort of like if you are living together not wanting the commitment of marriage, well just ignore everything I just said about spouses.
          One last thought, try not to assume that you know what someone means when there is even the slightest doubt.  Just remember, the captain of the Titanic assumed that it was safe to take the course he did.  We all know how that turned out.

Until next time keep a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye.  I have no idea where you can get the twinkle.  I just thought it sounded good.

Anyone out there know who Alvin York was?  If you can tell me who he was I will send you a copy of "A Rare Encounter" in MS Word.  Also, my novel "Opperation Armageddon is now available on Amazon through the kindle owners lending library.  You can read it for free check out this link!!
http://www.amazon.com/kindleownerslendinglibrary
 
My Website: http://tagewright.blogspot.com/

Download My Novels "Operation Armageddon"
and "Project Vengeance" in Kindle Format on Amazon 

tagewright@aol.com
(860) 608-8451

Respect

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write about.  I thought I might write about the ten suggestions, formally known as the Ten Commandments, before the politically correct and the I don’t believe in God crowds got wind of them.  Then I remembered my visit to my dermatologist just the other day.  There in the room where I waited was a notice that gave me the topic I’d like to write about.  I will explain later about that notice.

I was brought up in a home where we were taught respect.  I am not sure if very many homes have that particular objective high on the list of things to teach the kids.  There certainly isn’t much respect displayed out there in the public sector.

What is respect?  Aretha Franklin had her definition of respect and she put to song.  Have a listen to what she had to say or rather sing…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0XAI-PFQcA

I looked it up on line (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respect) and the definition had me more confused than I was before I looked it up.  I had to get half way down the page before I realized I was looking for the verb form not the noun deal.  That explains my problem with English when I was in High School.

I thought that I actually knew the definition of respect before I looked it up.  Then I discovered that I didn’t know the half of it (what ever that means).  The other night (Tuesday) we had a cook out with the cub scouts.  Before we headed out to try and start the next great wildfire (we can’t let New Mexico out do us) we had our opening exercises.  We do the pledge of allegiance, the scout promise and then an opening prayer.

The boys rushed through the pledge of allegiance with everyone saying it at a different speed.  It was not acceptable.  I stopped them at that point.  I told them what I am about to tell you.  I spent four years in the Navy and seven years as a buck Sergeant in the Army National Guard.  I put my life on the line to defend the flag and all that it stands for.  It deserves respect.  When we (any of us) as Americans say the pledge we should say it with respect.

When I was a young man (in my twenties) I was tough.  I could and did on a few occasions stand toe to toe in a ring and trade punches with someone else foolish enough to do the same.  I could hit a four-inch bulls eye with an M-16 at one hundred yards and do the same thing at fifteen yards with my four inch 38.  I may have had all that tough guy stuff going for me but every time they played the Star Spangled Banner or Anchors Away tears would come to my eyes.  I had learned respect for my country, the flag and the freedom we have here in this wonderful country of ours.

I realized something yesterday when I was talking about this with my teenage granddaughter.  She said something that really makes a lot of sense.  If you are nice to people first it heads off their being rude to you.  Sort of like a pre-emptive “show respect for others” strike.

I started to think about the fact that most people I come in contact with are nice.  Then I thought about what my granddaughter said and wondered how many of them didn’t get the chance to be rude because of my pre-emptive smile.  I draw it like a gun.

The way that we behave in public shows everyone around us how much respect we have inside of us.  Take the characters that use profanity in public places.  I am a firm believer that in some cases profanity is a crutch for people with a limited vocabulary.  In other cases it is a direct result of having no respect for those within earshot.

Have I ever used profanity?  Hey, does a bear defecate in the woods?  Jumped around that one didn’t I.  I was a sailor and a soldier I know a bunch of nasty words you probably haven’t even heard.  Even back then when I was a sailor I had enough respect for others to not use profanity in mixed company or in front of people I didn’t know very well.

Lack of respect seems to be running deep these days.  It’s not gone for good, respect that is, it’s just on an extended vacation.  At least that is what I am hoping for.  Our day-to-day lives can be improved by just a little respect.

At the start of this I mentioned a visit to my dermatologist.  Her name is Annette Headley and she is a great doctor.  When I showed up thirty minutes late for my appointment (I had the incorrect time) she accommodated my error.  Her staff is polite and very nice to talk to.  While I was awaiting her examination I noticed a printed notice on the wall in the examining room.  It basically stated that some patients have exhibited rude and some times abusive behavior towards the staff and noted that if you did that you would be asked to leave and would not be welcomed back.  I can only imagine what would make someone behave that way in her office.  My conclusion was simply a lack of respect laced with liberal amounts of ignorance.

Respect starts with each of us as individuals.  It’s called “Self Respect”.  I’m sure that you have heard of it.  Once you have learned how to respect yourself you can move on to the other forms of respect.  I find it difficult to imagine someone who can’t respect themselves, respecting someone else.

The rules are pretty simple.  To be able to respect yourself you need to emulate those things that generate respect.  Would you respect someone who tells a lie at the drop of a hat?  That would be number nine on the list of ten suggestions.  If the answer to that question is no then you will have trouble having self respect if you lie out of hand to other people.

Here is a list of three things that you can do to build your own self-respect.

1. Be honest (don’t lie)
2. Don’t take things that don’t belong to you (don’t steal)
3. Don’t cheat on you spouse  (commit adultery)

You know what, this is starting to sound like the list of those ten suggestions!  Go figure!!

I guess in the long run it’s like the golden rule with a small modification.  You just need to respect others the way that you would want to be respected.  That isn’t all that hard to do.  And you don’t have to know them to respect them.

Start today for a more respectful tomorrow.  Start by showing respect to our veterans.  Help them any way you can.  In that light, just a reminder that the 50% of the royalties I get are going to help my fellow veterans.

Until next time, keep your powder dry and a smile on your face.  And if you can email me what “Keep your powder dry” means I will reply back with a copy of “A Rare Encounter” for you to read.
 Thank you for your time!!
My Website: http://tagewright.blogspot.com/Download My Novel "Operation Armageddon" 
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Imagination

          It’s midnight; do you know where your imagination is?

          I am nearly sixty-four years old.  That means that I get a senior discount in a whole bunch of places and I get the buy one get one free at the casino buffet on Mondays.  It also means that I can remember a childhood where imagination was what you needed to have to have fun.  What has happened to that wonderful concept?  Where did it go?

          I remember sitting in my bedroom reading a book.  Who does that today?  There are still a few, I suppose, but I am sure that it is a very few.  After all, reading takes imagination.  You see the story in your head.  There are no actors, no special effects, only you, the words in the book and your imagination, a daunting task for some of the youth of today not to mention a whole bunch of adults.

          Yes, I remember sitting there with a reading lamp being the only light turned on in my bedroom.  Can you even buy a reading lamp anymore?  Would they know what you were asking for if you did go to buy one?

          Well, anyway, I was reading the book “When Worlds Collide”.  Philip Wylie and Edwin Balmer wrote it in 1933.  It was a great science fiction story about the world coming to an end.  You can probably still find it in the library. Check it out. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Worlds_Collide)

          My imagination was in overdrive on that one.  I recall quite vividly thinking that getting my homework done didn’t matter much because the world was about to come an end.  Then I remembered that it was just a story.  I was torn between the joy of realizing that the world wasn’t about to end and the sad realization that I had to finish my homework.  I hated homework.

          Imagination was in the drivers seat for just about everyone back then.  Today there is a distinct lack of imagination required for most of us.  I’m beginning to think that the advent of the color TV might have been the start of the decline.  It went down hill from the point where you could tell the color of Hoss Cartwright’s vest.  It was brown by the way.  If you already knew the color of his vest or who he was for that matter, you are as old as I am, or you have Netflix.

 
          Back then, the love scenes were a fade out and you imagined what happened next.  Not now, no imagination is required.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think that was an improvement.  It has also made it impossible for some of us to watch most PG-13 movies with our teenage grandchildren.  If you know the guys or gals that came up with what a thirteen year old is supposed to watch send me his or her address.  I want to give him or her or both for that matter a piece of my mind.

          Take movies today, there may be a shortage of imagination in that department as well.  If it isn’t a remake of an old movie it’s a film version of a comic book.  I think I am becoming cynical, and I don’t even know what that word means.

          I write fiction because it’s my imagination that keeps me going, and besides, real life to scary.  I have always had a problem reading about real life brutality.  It’s the same with movies.  I have never been able to watch “Schindler’s List”. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schindler's_List)  I started to once and I stopped a short way into the film, my apologies to the people who produced it.

          Without imagination there would be no airplanes or cars or a whole bunch of things that make our lives better.  We need to foster it in our children and in my case, grandchildren.  I’m not saying that we should ban all those things that leave out or stifle our imagination.  However we do need to limit them.

          I have told my readers before that I play video games on line.  I have a PS-3 and at present play a game called Call of Duty Black Ops.  It doesn’t require much imagination to play the game.  It’s ironic that some of the things like this video game that require no imagination to play required a great deal of imagination to create.  I guess there was some kind of trade off in there somewhere.

         Do you want to create imagination in your kids?  Read to them when they are small.  If they are older locate some games you can play as a family that require imagination to play and I am not talking about video games.

          Have dinner as a family and tell stories while you are enjoying the food.  Don’t be afraid to talk with your mouth full (although I would caution against laughing with a mouth full of mashed potatoes). 

           Life is full of adventure when you have the imagination to see it.  You are never too young or too old to start on the path to a better and more fulfilling imagination.  You can start today by picking up a book (preferably fiction) and start on page one.  By chapter two you will be off and running.

          I’ve got an idea, you can purchase a copy of my novel “Operation Armageddon” and …  Sorry I couldn’t resist putting in the plug for my novel.

          Anyway, start today and help build a better and more imaginative tomorrow.  Until next time, remember to let your family know that you love them and don’t forget to feed the dog.  If you don’t have a dog, feed the neighbors dog.